Inner Turmoil

Yesterday I was told that today I had to go to my bros house, to discuss and assist Mom with making her will. I am a nervous wreck, I couldn't sleep last night, these moments are tough because they are an omen of change. This is forcing me to accept my Moms mortality. I never feared death for myself, in fact I'm kinda looking forward to seeing what the afterlife holds for me. Most of my life I have feared the death of my Mother, I was a child wracked with insecurity, I lost my father in Nov. of 1973. I was 6 when he passed, so having only one parent most of my life, she became my security, her strength gave me reason to never let her go. As a child I would lay in bed at nite and pray to God or any other entity that could hear me to give Mom a long life. Because I needed her. I'm nearly 42 now, and Mom is 73, she was just diagnosed with cancer, colon cancer. It may be operable, may not. No word on how long she has got. As a grown man with a wife and kids, I thought I was past all that childhood insecurity but knowing that she is not immortal and getting closer to the END, has brought back some of that insecurity. I have no idea what to do with it. Last night my son, my best friend, and myself had a little campfire in the front yard, were in the country, no neighbors. Anyway sitting next to that fire, feeling the heat, I went into a little meditative state, very relaxed and very calm. I saw my Dad, my Aunt and Uncle, my Moms Aunt, and all the family that had passed. They were embracing my Mom, they were all smiling and happy. My little head trip went other places after that, areas that concern my faith in God. I felt better, I can accept that my Mom is going to die. She will go to be with her family that is waiting for her, and the real joyful part of this for me is that I know they will be waiting for me when it is my time. Knowing that will help me to carry out the rest of my days secure in the fact that I will see her again.

About my best friend, his name is Ray. He is a great human being, he helped me to reach that meditative state. He is my spiritual guru, he understands the universe in the same way I do. He helped me so much, he deserves a thank you. I told him he should write a book, because I know it would change lives all over the world. He is also a fierce patriot, a loving father, and a jack of all trades.